May 26, 2023

Parenting is a year-round process.  However, we found that summertime seemed to be a really productive and effective time in our parenting.  Maybe it was because many of the school year obligations and hectic schedules got dialed back and the excitement of sunshine, family vacations and barbecues filled our home.  Whatever the reason, we used our summertime excitement as a special time of the year to “super charge” some of our parenting initiatives while enjoying the fun of the season.

After reading some of our Tuesday Letters, you know that we love setting goals, making to do lists, and charts.  So it won’t surprise you to know that we have put together a Summertime Checklist of things you may want to consider initiating/revisiting as you head into summer.

We will briefly examine three key areas and offer some examples of how the checklist worked for us to give you some ideas for making your own summertime checklist.  Even though we will provide you with many suggestions, we found it best to only focus on 1-2 things within each area.  The idea is to enjoy your summer while intentionally working on a handful of initiatives with your children.

Initiate New Responsibilities
Depending upon our boys’ developmental age, we had several different responsibilities or family chores that we initiated over summer that would become a part of their “new normal” routine when school started back up in the fall.

Younger child – Setting and clearing the table, keeping their room uncluttered, getting ready for bed on their own (i.e – Changing into PJs, dirty clothes in the basket, brushing/flossing teeth, etc..)
Older child – Taking out the trash, loading/unloading dishwasher, putting away groceries, dusting, making bed, putting clean laundry in their own drawers
Middle years/Tween – Yard work, vacuum, help prepare meals, clean their own bathroom, do laundry
Teen – Watch younger siblings, wash cars, yard work with gas powered tools (i.e. Mowing, edging, etc…), fix a family meal (began with lunch then moved towards breakfast and dinner), get a summer job

TONIC Conversations
Summertime provided us with many opportunities for Tonic (Time Of Non-Conflict) conversations.  These are conversations, not lectures, that would allow us time to casually discuss sensitive topics with our boys and see where their level of understanding was – which may or may not lead to more discussions.  We would often initiate these discussions with a question to our boys to determine if further conversation or guidance was needed.

Younger child – With a younger child, our conversations would be more about measuring their moral understanding and development.  Why do we choose to speak kind words?  Why do use our manners even if others don’t use them?  What’s the difference between tattling and sharing important information?  Why is first time obedience important?
Older child – What makes words naughty or nice and why are we careful with our words?  Why is lying wrong?  It’s ok to be angry or frustrated sometimes, but what is the appropriate way to handle it?  There was some unwise behavior at the pool, why don’t we behave that way?
Middle years/Tween – There has been some interesting talk about (sex, alcohol, smoking, drugs, new apps, etc…), what do you think about that?  Why do you think having a relationship with us, built upon trust, is so important?  Why do you think we go to church, pray and volunteer?
Teen –What are your thoughts on dating? What is stewardship and what areas do you think we should steward better?  What do you think about college?  What are the 3 biggest things that surprised, shocked, disturbed, or confused you this last school year?  Why is our faith so important?

The questions you ask and how you frame them will be specific to each individual child depending upon their developmental age and gender.  The sample questions we provided, hopefully, further demonstrates the conversational approach with such topics.

It’s also important to note that these conversations are typically ongoing and can last months or years as they mature cognitively and morally.  For example, we may have discussed a particular topic early in the school year, but it may have a different feel and tone during the summer.  Likewise, a conversation we may have initiated during summer may need to be addressed several times in the new school year.

Reinforce Family Identity
“Peer pressure on a child is only as strong as family identity is weak.”
– Gary Ezzo
Cultivating your family identity is an ongoing process that needs to grow and develop as your family grows and develops.  For the Howards, summertime is a fun time to reinforce our family identity.
Family vacation – Enjoy each other and have fun!  We told our boys the top 3 things to remember about vacation is 1) Have fun, 2) Have good manners and 3) Have good behavior.  We would then go on to tell them that when they take care of number 2 and 3, # 1 will always be the result!
Family game/movie night – Because of our boys’ schoolwork and activities, we weren’t as consistent with family game during the school year as we were during the summer.  And summer allowed us the time to do things we wouldn’t necessarily do during the school year.  During the summer, we might set up a card table in our family room do a really hard puzzle; create a Lego village in our basement; have a marathon game of Monopoly over several nights; summer long Uno card tournament; taking turns selecting what movie or old tv shows (i.e Andy Griffith, Brady Bunch, Star Trek depending upon the boys’ age) we would watch.

Serve Together as a Family
Serve others together! Investing in the lives of others, as a family, is a rich and meaningful way to rejuvenate family bonds while experiencing many valuable life-lessons together. Summer provided fewer schedule conflicts and more opportunities to serve our community even when our kids were young.  Here are some ideas to consider: https://www.somewhatsimple.com/family-service-ideas/

Being intentional in these three areas and identifying a couple things to work on, helped us to take big steps in our parenting process.  And then by the end of the summer we had a wonderful sense of accomplishment because our boys learned new responsibilities, we had some meaningful conversations and had a lot fun as a family.

Have a great summer and blessings to your family,

Shelly and Rich

April 28, 2023

About a year ago, we were invited to be a part of a parenting program where we would record video segments and offer parenting advice to young parents – much like these Tuesday Letters.  After a couple months of recording and producing a couple video segments, we submitted them for upload on their website and mobile app.  To our stunned surprise, our initial video discussing toddler obedience, was rejected by their content committee and we were told that:

     “…while we respect different parenting approaches and understand that your approach lands well with some parents, we feel that it is not the right fit for our audience (approximately 5 million subscribers).  … (training) childhood obedience would be controversial, simply because our audience is increasingly leaning towards parenting approaches that avoid teaching children to obey.”

What?!?!

How does this make any sense?  Do we not want our children to obey our instructions, their teachers and those in authority?

Why is obedience so important?
Obedience is fundamental to parenting because it protects our children and helps them to succeed in life.  In the toddler years, obeying a “Stop” command may prevent a child from hurting or injuring himself or others.  If your child is playing and their ball goes into the street while a car is coming down the road, we would hope that your child would obey your “STOP” instruction… or stay buckled in their seat, avoid touching a hot stove, etc…

As our kids mature, obedience becomes the virtue that leads them to self-control and self-regulation.  As we’ve mentioned before, many studies (decades of secular research) show that the greatest predictor of success in adult life (more than grades, personality or I.Q.) is one’s ability to demonstrate self-control… and it begins with learning to obey mom and dad.

“Understanding is the reward of obedience. Obedience is the key to every door.”
George MacDonald

So what’s the trick to getting my child to obey me?

Sorry, there is no trick.  It is a process that takes time, patience and loving consistency.  But the reward for that effort is a home environment where children behave out of the love of virtue and not as a fear response to consequences.  It becomes an environment where parents eventually transition from leading by their parental authority to their parental influence.

There are four key responses that we need to work towards as we train our children to obey us.  Or in other words, what does First Time Obedience (FTO) look like?

1. The response must be immediate/first time without question or challenge.  Initially this response is for health and safety situations, but in later years this immediate response demonstrates respect and honor.
2. The response must be complete.  Settling for less than 100% compliance to an instruction or family standard opens the door to many behavioral issues. When they obey partially but not completely, they learn that you don’t really mean what you say. Learning to give proper, age appropriate and reasonable instructions and consistently requiring compliance is so critical.
3. The response must be sustained.  Sitting and quietly drawing/coloring at the restaurant until everyone finishes or waiting patiently while running errands not only demonstrates obedience, but also tangibly teaches the skill of self-control.
4. The response must be with a proper attitude or heart response.  We didn’t expect our children to love and find joy in all of our instruction, but we did teach them how to respond in a respectful and honoring manner.  Stomping off, rolling one’s eyes or making disrespectful comments under one’s breath is never an acceptable response.

“The ship that will not obey the helm will have to obey the rocks.”
English Proverb

When we took our first parenting class, our boys’ behavior was definitely not characterized by First Time Obedience (FTO).  They regularly disobeyed us and we felt like we were never going to get them to comply with any of our instructions.  Over time we began to consistently implement and expect these four key responses and eventually our boys became characterized by obeying us.  It wasn’t easy!  But we can honestly say that it was worth the growing pains and effort we invested in the process to teach them to obey.  As they grew older, Trevor and Alex obeyed us not because they had to, but because they wanted to out of love, honor and respect.  This intentional obedience developed into greater self control /self regulation in the teen years and their success, now, as young adults.

Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich

March 31, 2023

One of the greatest parenting joys is when your child lets you into their private world.

What is the private world?  Generally speaking, it is a special place where we all hold deeper thoughts, treasured memories, and feel the most vulnerable. It is the essence of who we are. The private world is what we share with our spouse and only our most trusted and closest friends.

As our children begin to grow and become self-aware, their private world becomes a reality. Initially, it’s a place they wish to share with those they most trust, like mom and dad. As they get older, hopefully that trust extends to their sibling(s) who should become their best friends.

The tricky thing about the private world is that it is by invitation only. As much as we try to get a free all-access pass into the private worlds of our spouses, children and friends, it is available through invitation only because of the intimate and vulnerable nature of the private world. To get an invitation, you need to demonstrate that you can be trustworthy, genuine, sincere and vulnerable as well. But once you get that invitation and privilege, the blessings and richness of the relationship are profound.

Remember, when you first started dating your spouse and the private world moments you shared?  How about when your son or daughter first asked if you thought they were smart, handsome, or pretty?  These are both examples of how to recognize the invitation to the private world of those you love most. We need to create an environment to allow others to trust us with their private world and we need to be ready to recognize it.

Here are some questions to ask yourself if you are missing some private world time with those you love:

• Are you characterized by speaking encouraging and loving words? Or are you quick tempered and critical?
• Are you speaking their love language? How often?
• Are you “them-oriented” or are you self-oriented? Are you too busy?
• Are you looking for private world moments?

It may be obvious, but would you want to open your private world to someone who is harsh and self-centered and emotionally unavailable?

Because the private world is very valuable to its owner, we need to be highly attentive to handle those moments with care. Especially if we wish to be trusted and have access to that private world again, to further those deepening relationships.

Maybe because of the extra opportunities for family time, we found that private world moments seemed to be more plentiful during the holiday season.  Here are some suggestions you might think about as those you love begin to share their private world with you:

1) Watch your tongue and tone! Nothing will close off the private world like a quick, negative reaction to an invitation. Sometimes the invitation can come with shocking or surprising news. Open your heart and measure your reaction by the look on their face.
2) Listen to what is really being said. Often, there is another layer of truth that may need to come out. Only with careful listening will you be able to discern if there is something deeper.
3) Don’t try and “fix” anything… unless specifically asked. Our tendency when those closest to us share their private world is we want to help by fixing it with our brilliant advice and wisdom. Again, just listen.  They will tell you if they want or need your advice.
4) When someone begins to share their private world, be “disruptable”, because you don’t know when the opportunity may come again.  Being “disruptable” is the idea that you are open to being interrupted or inconvenienced for the sake of the relationship.
5) Reciprocate and Share your private world. Telling your child some of your special memories from childhood or having a heart-to-heart conversation with your spouse about your fears, for example, will build a foundation of trust and a deepening relationship.

We learned this idea of the private world over fifteen years ago from our parenting class and quickly discovered that it applied to all our deepest relationships as well as our children. So, be on the lookout for those private world moments and be ready to deepen those meaningful relationships with your spouse, children, siblings, and closest friends.

Blessings to you, your family and those private world moments,
Shelly and Rich

March 24, 2023

In this installment of Basecamp Live, Davies Owens engages in a discussion with Jason Barney on the art of effective motivation, both for our children and ourselves. The conventional "carrot and stick" approach often falls short in reaching the hearts of students, leaving us to ponder whether there are better alternatives. Jason delves into the intricate relationship between our children's emotions and their drive, and how various motivational techniques can have a long-lasting impact, either positive or negative. He places emphasis on the crucial role that parents and educators play in setting an example for the children, highlighting that children tend to emulate what they see rather than what they're told. The interview explores ways of instilling a culture of learning and wisdom, rather than solely focusing on external rewards such as grades. Join us as we explore proven strategies for purposeful and deliberate motivation of our youth. 

March 17, 2023

We say love is the glue to hold a marriage together. Discover the undergirding foundation that every relationship needs to make you best friends to work together to raise kids.

March 10, 2023

In talking with a dad of two boys, ages 9 and 7, he proudly told me the story of how his boys overcame adversity this past weekend. He had volunteered to be their basketball coach and, as such, was faced with corralling boys and girls into some sort of team, teach them some skills, and identify various positive qualities within each of them over the course of the season. It’s not about winning.

The season was down to the last game and, for the youngest boy, his team hadn’t won a game. The best player on the team was going to be absent. So the coach-dad talked about that with his son, “Bobby is going to be gone for the last game. He’s our best scorer. Do you think you can step in for him and score?” The boy hadn’t shot but maybe 5 times all season. “Yeah, I think so” he responded. “Ok, well, you know that the best NBA players only make about 50% of the shots they take. And you guys, on your best day, only make about 40%. So, if you want to score 10 points, how many shots do you have to take?” the dad prodded. “A lot” came the reply. “That’s right. You need to shoot a lot of shots and you’ll miss most of them. But if you practice, you’ll make a bunch too.” “So you think I should practice?” asked the boy? “If you want to score 10 points.”

So his son practiced. And practiced and practiced. All told, maybe 6 hours over the week. And sure enough, come game day, he shot the ball…and missed. He shot again. And missed. And missed again. And again. With tears in his eyes, frustration welling up, he approached his dad. And his dad reminded him that the best players on their best days miss a lot of shots. And so, he went out there on the court and gave it his best again. And there his effort and persistence paid off. He made a shot! And then another. And another. He made 6 shots in a row, leading his team in scoring and on to their first win of the year.

Of course, this is a feel-good story for the boy, the father, and for me who revels in this kind of effort and character triumph. But the real takeaway is the father’s gentle hand leading his son to discovery, to character development, to ownership of effort and consequences. The real takeaway is the father suspending his own list of urgent tasks, overcoming the hassles of organized sports, parental non-involvement, and engaging in his sons’ lives. The dad didn’t know jack about how to coach a kid’s basketball team, but that was small potatoes compared to being there for his boys. He said during the story telling, “It goes so fast. I don’t want to miss it.”

Spiritual leadership isn’t some narrow view of going to church, reading the Bible, or leading family prayer. Those activities are important too, of course. But if it is only about those things, then the big picture is missed. Being the spiritual leader of the family is about making God’s existence alive. A dad isn’t the family leader just because of his position in the family; a dad is a leader because of how he expresses the principles of life. Loving your wife is an expression of loving the family and teaches everyone in it what love looks like. Children can only understand what God’s love might be relative to how they experience mom and dad’s love. A dad being engaged in developing a child to their highest potential leads a child to grow within the safety and security of relationship. That opens the door to how a relationship might flourish with God.

A dad who coaches his child’s sports team offers his child a view of engagement as long as the dad demonstrates qualities himself that leads by example. Conversely, there’s the game of the older boy which demonstrated how a father shouldn’t lead. It was the championship game and it got rough. You know where this is going. Yes, there was no one kid who started it, and there were lots of fouls, some of which were called by the ref. Naturally the game got out of hand. The parents started yelling. This is an 11-year-olds “championship” game mind you. Spiritual leadership was scarce. Then as the final seconds of overtime were about to wind down, with my friend’s team up 2, his player aggressively pursued a ball and knocked into one of the kids on the other team. In doing so, a courtside parent jumped up and chest bumped the kid. An 11-year-old boy!! With 5 seconds remaining the in game, the coach on the other team objects to excessive contact and withdraws from the game. He quit!! This expression of spiritual maturity will echo into the future of his family.

We (Lis and Dave, Shelly and Rich) have been participants in several panel discussions over the years where moms submit their questions. The most common question at the top of the list is – “How can I get my husband to be the spiritual leader of the family?”. This letter steps partially into that question. We don’t attempt to fully answer it here. What we are saying is – be clear on your definition of spiritual leader. If it’s just using traditional religious behavior as the yardstick, then as we said earlier, it might be too narrow. Consider the idea that demonstrating spiritual maturity and engaging in the development of each family member is good enough for this era of life. Things change and maybe later it will be different and include prayer, Bible and church. But for now, an engaged dad who develops the family is a great dad to have.

To great dads!!
Blessings,
Lis and Dave Marr

March 3, 2023

Another basketball story. The two brothers, ages 11 and 9, are close. They homeschool together, live well south of the Metro area in rural Colorado. But like brothers, they occasionally compete and tussle, make up and have fun. These two are probably best friends now and will remain so the rest of their lives. But that isn’t a foregone conclusion. Their competition and jealousies could expand and get out of hand; their hard feelings remain unresolved and wedged between them; their emotional separations grow instead of being smoothed over and matured. That’s where good parenting comes in.

The last basketball story showed the triumph of persistence where the younger boy practiced all week with the desire to score lots of points. He overcame early insecurity and frustration of missed shots to lead the team in scoring (12) and on to their lone victory of the season. A huge win for the young boy.

The older brother watched the game and instead of being excited for his little brother, increasingly began to sulk. Instead of sharing in the joy and selflessly letting his brother shine in the moment, he moped and became self-absorbed. He was jealous.

Dad noticed. He pulled the older child aside and asked, “What’s up?”

With a creaky voice the older sibling murmured, “I want to score a lot of points.”

“I see. But you aren’t a guard. It isn’t your role to score. You’re tall. You’re the one who gets rebounds both on defense and on offense. You’re playing in the championship today because you and all your teammates play your roles well.”

“Yeah, I know” he continued to sulk.

“Furthermore, your little brother worked his butt off and really had a great game. He deserves to feel good, and also deserves to have the focus on him. What he doesn’t deserve is to have you steal his moment with this attitude. Do you think he would be happy for you if you had a great game?”

“Yes.”

“Absolutely he would. He would be thrilled for you. Listen, this is on you. I know you love your brother, but this isn’t loving. This is selfish. Now, what are you going to do?

“I’m going to apologize and then congratulate him.”

“That’s my boy.”

Children can just as easily be best friends as they can be nothing more than housemates that came from the same family. Dad’s guidance is a key guardrail to growing into a mature relationship with a sibling. This example was about two boys and likely is less complex to resolve than if it were about two girls. But regardless of the combination, Dad’s wisdom goes into the depths of a child’s psyche. Dad is indispensable and proves so by providing a calm rationale for life’s issues. Dad is the family spiritual leader by exhibiting a higher order of personal maturity.

Children, at least until puberty, are nature/nurture facsimiles of their parents, for good or otherwise. The above example obviously doesn’t stand alone. This dad demonstrates daily how to invest in relationship, with the boys, with the mom, with friends and community. What he’s doing here is tying his son’s complex internal life to what he sees modeled by his parents. The Dad is facilitating the intellectual connection between the outside world and the private inside world, leading his son to make value judgements on what kind of life he wants in relationships and how to nurture them. That’s leadership.

If we were to throw out an age of when dads take on ownership of “Dad the Family Leader” instead of just “Dad the Provider” or just “Dad the Playmate”, we’d roughly say around 35. Some earlier, some never. The transition into maturity coincides with the maturing of the family. Dad’s strengths are needed more now than earlier. To say that children are facsimiles of mom and dad is true. That is why it’s so important to be intentional about the primary relationship (the marriage) and the parenting that flows from it. To invest in the original picture with meaningful and rich content, that is the source of clarity to the faxed child’s life. That’s why lessons of life and truth should be pursued by surrounding the family in quality community and layers of spiritual depth. Lots to unpack there.

Though we don’t know you personally, we pray for your marriage and family because your success is our success.

Many blessings,
Lis and Dave Marr

February 24, 2023

In talking with a dad of two boys, ages 9 and 7, he proudly told me the story of how his boys overcame adversity this past weekend. He had volunteered to be their basketball coach and, as such, was faced with corralling boys and girls into some sort of team, teach them some skills, and identify various positive qualities within each of them over the course of the season. It’s not about winning.

The season was down to the last game and, for the youngest boy, his team hadn’t won a game. The best player on the team was going to be absent. So the coach-dad talked about that with his son, “Bobby is going to be gone for the last game. He’s our best scorer. Do you think you can step in for him and score?” The boy hadn’t shot but maybe 5 times all season. “Yeah, I think so” he responded. “Ok, well, you know that the best NBA players only make about 50% of the shots they take. And you guys, on your best day, only make about 40%. So, if you want to score 10 points, how many shots do you have to take?” the dad prodded. “A lot” came the reply. “That’s right. You need to shoot a lot of shots and you’ll miss most of them. But if you practice, you’ll make a bunch too.” “So you think I should practice?” asked the boy? “If you want to score 10 points.”

So his son practiced. And practiced and practiced. All told, maybe 6 hours over the week. And sure enough, come game day, he shot the ball…and missed. He shot again. And missed. And missed again. And again. With tears in his eyes, frustration welling up, he approached his dad. And his dad reminded him that the best players on their best days miss a lot of shots. And so, he went out there on the court and gave it his best again. And there his effort and persistence paid off. He made a shot! And then another. And another. He made 6 shots in a row, leading his team in scoring and on to their first win of the year.

Of course, this is a feel-good story for the boy, the father, and for me who revels in this kind of effort and character triumph. But the real takeaway is the father’s gentle hand leading his son to discovery, to character development, to ownership of effort and consequences. The real takeaway is the father suspending his own list of urgent tasks, overcoming the hassles of organized sports, parental non-involvement, and engaging in his sons’ lives. The dad didn’t know jack about how to coach a kid’s basketball team, but that was small potatoes compared to being there for his boys. He said during the story telling, “It goes so fast. I don’t want to miss it.”

Spiritual leadership isn’t some narrow view of going to church, reading the Bible, or leading family prayer. Those activities are important too, of course. But if it is only about those things, then the big picture is missed. Being the spiritual leader of the family is about making God’s existence alive. A dad isn’t the family leader just because of his position in the family; a dad is a leader because of how he expresses the principles of life. Loving your wife is an expression of loving the family and teaches everyone in it what love looks like. Children can only understand what God’s love might be relative to how they experience mom and dad’s love. A dad being engaged in developing a child to their highest potential leads a child to grow within the safety and security of relationship. That opens the door to how a relationship might flourish with God.

A dad who coaches his child’s sports team offers his child a view of engagement as long as the dad demonstrates qualities himself that leads by example. Conversely, there’s the game of the older boy which demonstrated how a father shouldn’t lead. It was the championship game and it got rough. You know where this is going. Yes, there was no one kid who started it, and there were lots of fouls, some of which were called by the ref. Naturally the game got out of hand. The parents started yelling. This is an 11-year-olds “championship” game mind you. Spiritual leadership was scarce. Then as the final seconds of overtime were about to wind down, with my friend’s team up 2, his player aggressively pursued a ball and knocked into one of the kids on the other team. In doing so, a courtside parent jumped up and chest bumped the kid. An 11-year-old boy!! With 5 seconds remaining the in game, the coach on the other team objects to excessive contact and withdraws from the game. He quit!! This expression of spiritual maturity will echo into the future of his family.

We (Lis and Dave, Shelly and Rich) have been participants in several panel discussions over the years where moms submit their questions. The most common question at the top of the list is – “How can I get my husband to be the spiritual leader of the family?”. This letter steps partially into that question. We don’t attempt to fully answer it here. What we are saying is – be clear on your definition of spiritual leader. If it’s just using traditional religious behavior as the yardstick, then as we said earlier, it might be too narrow. Consider the idea that demonstrating spiritual maturity and engaging in the development of each family member is good enough for this era of life. Things change and maybe later it will be different and include prayer, Bible and church. But for now, an engaged dad who develops the family is a great dad to have.

To great dads!!

Blessings,
Lis and Dave Marr

February 17, 2023

On this episode of Anchored, Jeremy and Tracy are joined by Pete Hegseth and David Goodwin, authors of the book Battle for the American Mind: Uprooting a Century of Miseducation. They discuss the origins of classical education, how Christianity transformed the paideia of the west, and the coordinated takeover of education by progressives.  They explain the stages of this takeover, starting with the replacement of the Christian faith with patriotism, and the removal of God from classrooms. Pete and David emphasize the return to Christian classical education as the solution to this takeover.

February 3, 2023

In last week’s blog titled “Do Your Kids need Fences?”, we talked about the funnel and what it has to do with parenting. The funnel is such a handy tool, so much so we are talking about it again to keep the behaviors your kids aren’t old enough or mature enough to handle in. Behaviors inside the funnel need parental intervention, meaning when their kids ask permission to do something that is not in the funnel, they have to pay attention to how this child is handling the freedom.
 
For Review: The funnel is a boundary, which parents need to put in place. The behaviors inside the funnel need boundaries too. Picture a funnel. I love that you can put all the behaviors your kids can’t or won’t manage inside it. That separates them from the behaviors they do manage well and have the freedom to do without supervision. 
 
Think of it this way: Your 6 yr. old makes his bed before you get around to reminding him to do it. Take it out of the funnel and stop reminding him to do it. It becomes a freedom because he is managing it on his own.
 
Your 8 yr. old however, won’t make his bed unless you remind him. His boundary around making his bed? He sleeps on the floor if you have to remind him. This is how you put a boundary around a behavior that is staying in the funnel.
 
No matter what, we can’t encourage you enough to stop reminding your kids to do what they know they have to do.

WHEN PARENTS EXPECT TOO MUCH
When one of our daughters was around 4 yrs. old, one of my least favorite things to do each day was checking to see if she had gotten her toys picked up and put away. I will admit to being somewhat particular about them being put where they went. 
 
Hers were usually put in piles but not put away, or just thrown into whatever bin was available and empty. My mom lived too far away to see her often. On a visit to see us, I told her we might as well go up to this daughter’s room and get her to get her toys put away the right way. I had plastic bins along the wall for the toys to go into. My mom asked me how Amy was supposed to know what went in what bin. I told her she could look inside and see that books were in one and blocks in another and so on. 
 
My mom asked me why I didn’t get different colored bins so she knew the books went in the red bin and so on. I told her the bins matched the color scheme of the room. My mom just gave me one of those looks. I got the hint and went out and got the different colored bins, glued a picture of what went into the bins on the front of each one and Amy had no more problems getting her room picked up.
 
I was expecting my daughter to do something she was not yet capable of doing. She wasn’t old enough to do it the way I wanted, meaning she was easily overwhelmed trying to figure it out. What seemed simple to me was anything but simple to her. Simplifying the task solved this problem for both of us. I learned this lesson well, and made sure my expectations were not set at standards that were too high and unrealistic when dealing with my children.

Jesus said, “'For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light'”
Matthew 11:30
 
Here's the key: God's boundaries for our lives are meant to give us direction for our purpose. They keep us on His path—the path we were created to follow. In the same way it is up to parents to create boundaries for their kids to keep them safe inside their funnel and not overwhelm them with too many freedoms.

RESOURCES ON SALE THIS WEEK!
The following Mom’s Notes presentations are on sale at parentingmadepractical.com through February 5, 2023. Use code FEB5 at checkout.

“Understanding Freedoms Part 1”
MP3: $4.99 On Sale Now $3.99
PDF: $4.99 On Sale Now $3.99
CD: $7.00 On Sale Now! $6.00
Notes: $5.00 On Sale Now! $4.00

“Understanding Freedoms Part 2”
Sale prices:
MP3: $4.99 On Sale Now $3.99
PDF: $4.99 On Sale Now $3.99
CD: $7.00 On Sale Now! $6.00
Notes: $5.00 On Sale Now! $4.00

“Understanding the Funnel”
Sale prices:
MP3: $4.99 On Sale Now $3.99
PDF: $4.99 On Sale Now $3.99
CD: $7.00 On Sale Now! $6.00
Notes: $5.00 On Sale Now! $4.00

Available at parentingmadepractical.com
This parenting blog is a ministry of Parenting Made Practical
Contact Information: [email protected]; 319-754-5749

January 27, 2023

When watching home fix-it shows, when someone with a pet is looking for a new home, they always say they need the back yard fenced in. Why? Because they don’t trust their pet to stay in the yard without one. The fence provides boundaries so the dog knows where he is free to run and play.
 
Your kids need fences too, which is why most people looking for homes with kids say they need a back yard with a fence too. They don’t trust their kids to run and play and stay in the yard without them. Another word for fences is boundaries. Your kids need boundaries to help keep them fenced in so they will know what the right or wrong thing to do is.

When your kids demonstrate inappropriate behaviors that are not fenced in by boundaries they make a mess, physically or emotionally which are not easy for parents to clean up. It could be they aren’t old enough to handle the freedom no boundaries gives them. Perhaps they aren’t mature enough either. In these cases, their misbehavior is childish, meaning your kids don’t have what it takes to make a right decision about what to or not to do. 

Let’s say you put boundaries in place and they don’t keep their behaviors within those boundaries. This is foolish behavior, meaning they have chosen to do what they know they aren’t supposed to do.

Until your kids are old enough or mature enough to keep themselves within the fences that help them stay on track, parents have to do it for them. It takes thinking and time. Your home will be a lot more peaceful when your fences are up and your kids’ inappropriate or immature behaviors are corralled. Within these fences, they have everything they need and lots of things they want, so they can learn to live with contentment. 

Are your kids’ content? Do they misbehave in the same way over and over again? Perhaps it is time to re-evaluate what boundaries you have in place for each of your kids and whether or not it is time to adjust them. In the parenting class Growing Kids God’s Way, we learned a catch-all word for boundaries and it is the funnel. We use funnels in the kitchen when we have to pour liquid into something smaller. The funnel keeps the liquid where it is supposed to be and guides it to where it is supposed to go.

How does the funnel work?
·       Behaviors your child is not old enough to manage on his own go into the funnel
·       Behaviors your child can manage on his own but is not characterized by doing so go in the funnel
·       When a child participates in situations where these behaviors are used, someone in authority MUST be watching or trouble will happen

Josh (5 yr.) and Nate (3 yr.) are playing. Nate grabs Josh’s toy out of his hands and Josh hits him. Nate screams, Mom comes running and Josh is told to stop hitting his brother, he needs to learn to share and to give the toy to Nate. Josh throws the toy on the floor and runs off crying. Dad walks in the door and wonders if he will ever come home to a peaceful house again.

Since this is not an infrequent occurrence, boundaries are needed. When mom is busy preparing meals or cleaning the house and can’t keep her eyes on the boys every minute, she needs to have them separated for play time. This is where having a routine works wonders. It really is a mom’s best friend because in the moment, it does her thinking for her. She can put Nate at the table with a coloring book or playdough and Josh can play with his blocks. Mom sets the time for 10 minutes. When the timer goes off, she checks on Nate to see how he is doing. If he wants to keep playing with what she gave him, she sets the timer and checks again when it goes off. This is the way to keep track of young kids with short attention spans. When the boys have time to play together, Mom knows she has to be where they are playing so she can intervene before things get out of hand.

The best way to keep your child’s behaviors inside the funnel is to have them ask for permission for what they want. I was surprised when I was in a home and the 8 yr. old child was asking for permission to put water from the front of the refrigerator in his thermos since I was pretty sure he could do it without help. His mom asked him if was going to be careful or did she need to come watch him do it. I got it then, he was characterized by spilling the water all over the floor, so his parents put the boundary in place that he had to ask for permission to get water. Asking for permission gives Mom the heads up that she needs to pay attention to what this child is getting ready to do.

Do you put boundaries around your kids’ behaviors when they are not old enough or mature enough to do it themselves? Can you think of one behavior for each of your children that need a boundary around it to keep it on track, or something they continuously misuse and need to start asking permission to use or do?


“Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes.”
Proverbs 26:5

January 20, 2023

Every other week the Howards, Shelly and Rich, and the Marrs, Lis and Dave, trade off writing a OneFamily Letter with the intent to nudge, influence, educate, support and, in small part, come alongside women and men who are hard at work in the job of life. On the whole, life can be…well, complicated. They don’t teach parenting, marriage, or being an adult in school. It is true that a small misconception of how “things are supposed to be” can turn the prospect of an orderly marriage-garden into a weed-strewn jungle. We at OneFamily desire to impart practical tips on managing your daily parenting issues, but also larger topics that might help you align in marital vision for the family. Because both are necessary to tend which plants will grow into a bountiful family harvest and which are unwanted weeds.

Today’s Letter is a larger topic intended to address the spirit of growth that should infuse every member of a family. It doesn’t matter the age of who we’re talking about, mom, dad, or any of the kids. It’s a certainty that if growth isn’t pursued with a reasonable degree of intent, then a few years down the road there could be challenges. Intuitively you know that encouraging your kids to take on growth-oriented challenges is a big part of parenting. But more than any encouragement you provide, your children will follow who you model yourselves to be as much as anything. So the best parenting path to take is one of growth in yourselves.

The foundation of a family is, of course, two people coming together in compromising spirit to join efforts in making a life. And in doing so, you slowly gain intimacy and hold up a mirror to one another until, pixel by pixel, you see yourself clearly. “Hey darling, this is what I’m seeing” is a risky, loving view of how you are being seen by your spouse and likely the world. This gets to the very heart of growth – offering and receiving feedback on how to make the marriage and family life better. Think about how you want your child’s future life to be – a fantastic marriage with great adventures, effective communication and a wholesome tight-knit, laughter-filled home. Now, how can you model that?

Growth isn’t just about adding a missing piece of information to an incomplete library of understanding. Often, it’s about replacing a misconception with a higher order of understanding. So for example when we were in our 30’s, we didn’t have much of a clue as to what a good marriage looked like. We just followed the script of our parents and society without much actual thought. When Dave wanted physical love and Lis wanted togetherness love, there was often a miscommunication that looked like a power struggle. It wasn’t until we learned about “Love Languages” that we were able to pull the weed of discontent from miscommunicating on how each of us experienced love. Love Language concepts upgraded our understanding – no longer struggling with trying to control our mate, but instead trying to understand and reconcile each other’s motivations. Communicating ‘With’ replaced arguing ‘At’ and as a result, we grew.

Growth is a spiritual endeavor. Somehow you and God combined to meet, marry, and mate the person lying next to you. Growing forward together takes vision, faith, self-control, persistence, and a willingness to let go of that part of you that doesn’t serve your best interests. God has blessed you with a person who will help you grow through conflict, communication, and connection (holding up a mirror), and vice versa. And the spirit of wellbeing that emerges when your faith is rewarded by your mate’s reciprocation is the feeling you want your children to have. In fact, it is the fountain of goodwill in marriage that waters your garden. A bountiful goodwill harvest creates abundance for you, your spouse, your children, and even your community of friends.

To your abundant harvest,
Lis and Dave Marr

December 16, 2022

On this episode of Anchored, Jeremy is joined by Dr. David Diener, Professor of Education at Hillsdale College. David shares how his educational journey led him to teach at a Christian school in Bogota, Colombia, before moving back to the US to pursue a passion in classical education. He emphasizes the need for good leadership in the classical renewal movement, and highlights the new Master of Arts in Classical Education program at Hillsdale College. He also discusses how classical education transcends geographic and ideological boundaries in pursuit of human flourishing for all.

We are excited to announce that Dr. Diener will be our special guest speaker at the 2023 Legacy Gala. Listen for a preview of what is to come. Mark your calendars for Thursday, March 23, 2023.

December 9, 2022

You are teaching your children how to be – to act, to speak, to think.

 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.
– Proverbs 23:7
As a Man Thinketh  – James Allen
Let no corrupt communication proceed from your mouth
but that which is edifying and ministers grace to the hearer.
– Ephesians 4:29

We are programmable biologically to where the brain gets wired differently when we are bathed in Words of Life. Every time a word of encouragement is provided, it strengthens the synaptic connections to a young brain’s higher intellectual development. Whereas, when a word or action causes pain, emotional or otherwise, the amygdala instantaneously diverts the signal to the ‘fight or flight’ area of the brain. In each instance, words of encouragement or words of negativity strengthen the physical brain pathways that form the brain and personality of our children. Words of Life bring higher cognitive paths, whereas negative words send energy to the survival parts of our brain. “The words we use define in the mind of our children who and what they are.” - Gary Ezzo

When we continuously practice Life Words (which is a catch phrase symbolizing our thoughts, words, and deeds) then God’s goodness and grace is presented to our spouse, children, ourselves and the world. Yet, when we allow our communication to be filled with sarcasm, cynicism, vulgarity, pessimism, and doubt, then those seeds are planted in the brain’s synapses at the micro level. Those seeds can grow into a negative disposition that echoes cynicism, pessimism, and guardedness.

To do our best for our children, we must understand how life works and why we are the way we are as individuals. We bring our own upbringing to the marriage and our parenting. From that understanding and desire to ‘not mess up a good thing’, we seek to improve ourselves so we can do a better job for our children.

• Create a Life-giving home environment by eliminating negative words and filling your vocabulary with Life words. Our words impact everyone we come in contact with. Initially that might feel fake, but with sincerity over time, people will come to view you more positively and your interactions will be more genuine.
• Practice speaking words of life to your spouse, your children, those you work with, even your barista at your local coffee shop, so as to strengthen your mindset.
• Remember, there is nothing in the character of God that is …snarky, negative, mean-spirited.
• If you have older kids, it’s okay to talk about your family now changing to Life words and also take the opportunity to apologize to them for previous use of negative words
• Neuroscience research has proven our words change the brain of both the speaker and the listener.
• You can heal past wounds from your own upbringing by letting go of the negative words and changing to Life Words. Negative parts of brain synapses die off as positive life-words connections get stronger. New neural patterns are formed
• Make sure you also have your facial expression and tone of voice to match the words you use.
• Life words spoken early and often in your child’s life will impact them in their teen self-worth and identity and could be a difference maker when he or she is confronted with negative peer pressure.
• Having a brain that is built on Life words opens it up to hear instruction and guides the child toward positive changes in behavior. A brain that is in fight or flight mode literally cannot hear instruction since the amygdala is busy “protecting” the brain from emotional harm.
• Speaking Life can stave off lying or hitting or being selfish by not only pointing out what the child is doing wrong (negative words) but how they can be moved toward doing the right thing by using the virtue as the goal – “You are someone who tells the truth”, “You can learn to be gentler”, “You can learn to be more generous”.
• To create a Life-giving community where everyone in your social circle speaks Life consider facilitating a parenting course in your home with like-minded families. We here at OneFamily will come alongside you with all the materials, resources, and discussion questions you need.

By bringing Words of Life into your family, not only do your children grow into positive, open-minded, loving individuals, but you are positively impacted by leading the way toward reflecting the character of God and bringing God to the moment.

To your abundant Life-filled words and families,
Lis and Dave Marr

December 2, 2022

It is obvious your 7 yr. old child needs something more than you have been giving him to get him to stop hitting his siblings when he doesn’t get his own way. Both you and your spouse have talked to him many times. You have threatened him, bribed him, and caught yourself this morning telling your 3 yr. old daughter the red welt on her arm where he hit her “didn’t look too bad”.
 
It is time for discipline. One of the biggest problems with disciplining kids, even those who clearly need it, is you don’t know what discipline to give and even though your son had no problem hurting his siblings, you don’t want to give him pain. Disciplining your kids however, is a necessary part of parenting.
 
Pain is the one thing we all respond to. What gets you to go see the doctor? Pain does. What gets you to drive a bit closer to the speed limit? That ticket you just got that cost a couple hundred dollars does. The #1 reason the discipline you are giving your child isn’t working is because it isn’t painful enough.
 
What then is the meaning of “discipline”? It is to “penalize for the sake of enforcing obedience and perfecting moral character.” “Perfecting moral character” means to teach them to be kind, patient, use self-control and so on. What discipline is NOT is punishment. To punish someone is to bring vengeance on them for something they did to inconvenience you. They are not at all the same thing. To discipline is to correct behavior, not to cause pain for the sake of pain itself.
 
To discipline is to teach. Ask any drill sergeant in the military. While they put the new recruits through grueling workouts every day, they will tell you it isn’t just about the physical. They are teaching them how to strength their minds and spirits as well as their bodies. It is obedience training at its finest. No matter what, you do what your leader tells you to. Period. They are teaching the recruits how to push their bodies to do more when they want to give up and how to have the self-control to do what they are told to do no matter the circumstances.
 
They know what to teach them from the experience of thousands and tens of thousands who have gone before them. Discipline gives rules to live efficiently and effectively. Teachers know they are authority figures and aren’t afraid to use it when necessary. Today, our leaders look upon the experience of the tens of thousands who have gone before them with disdain. We need to look for the good in what they have done, especially those who have learned to parent effectively. Effective parents understand that parenting includes wise teaching, and use of authority followed up with praise or correction.
 
Do you have a plan to teach your kids obedience and the moral character training you are to be perfecting in them? Without a plan you are swiping at symptoms, giving temporary fixes at best.
 
Where should you begin? Always start with obedience. Ask yourself:
 
Do your kids come when you call their name immediately, completely, without challenge and without complaining? Give each child over 3 yrs. a grade in each of the above 4 areas. If they don’t, get an “A” or “B”, it is time to get back to the basics of obedience training.
 
 
“My son, keep your father's commandment, and forsake not your mother's teaching.”
Ephesians 6:20

November 18, 2022

“What does it take to get grateful kids? It doesn’t matter what they get, they always want more.” Have you ever thought this about your kids? I know there are times I thought this about mine.
 
The opposite of gratefulness is selfishness. From wanting a bigger or better helping of dessert to wanting to be the first one in the car so he can get the best seat, or wanting to wear inappropriate clothes; “Me, Me, ME!” rears its ugly head. If the child who is putting himself first doesn’t get their way, they can make it difficult for the whole family.
 
The real problem for this child is a lack of gratefulness. Every child thinks they are grateful because they say “thank you” when they get something but a lot of the time they have to be reminded to do so, and then it doesn’t count as coming from your child’s heart (unless they are just learning to say it). But when it comes to putting their grateful spirit into practice, being willing to do without something or sharing their toys, or accepting a small or lessor sized cookie than someone else, the look in their eyes or their body language or what comes out of their mouth says it all.
 
Do you deal with an ungrateful spirit when you see or hear it? Or do you think not saying “thank you” without being reminded to do so is not a big enough deal to take on? By not dealing with their ungratefulness you are telling them it is okay to be selfish.
 
Kids today do not accept the disappointments of life. They think they should get what they want when they want it. This is called entitlement.
 
A teen girl we know was frustrated on Christmas Day when she didn’t get the latest Smart-Phone like all her friends did. The saying is true that “you never know what you have until you don’t have it.” She begged and pleaded with her parents but they didn’t think she was ready for the freedom having a cell phone would bring. This did not matter to this girl. We helped the parents realize the problem was she just wasn’t grateful for the things she did have, because this “wanting what others had” was a common thing for her. They could see she had never shown gratefulness for a lot of things in her life. She wasn’t pleased with all the other gifts she received on Christmas day demonstrating she wasn’t appreciative of her siblings, parents and grandparents for the thought or money they put into the gifts they had gotten her.
 
During our conversation with this girl’s parents, they answered our questions thoughtfully until we asked them who was first in their daughter’s life. They quickly told us God was first followed by family. We asked them what she was doing to show God was first in her life and then what was she doing to show them they were important to her. They realized her friends had crept right up to an equal plane with God and family, and they needed to work with her to get her priorities in order. She did finally realize her parents wanted more than her happiness, they wanted her to be holy too and she did start to show them her appreciation and gratefulness for what she had.
 
It’s actually normal and very easy for our kids to love things over people by taking them for granted, leaving little to no appreciation or real gratefulness for what parent’s, siblings and friends do for them. It’s easy to selfishly seek their own way over what Jesus said in Matthew 22:39 “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
 
Here is a test you can try with you kids. Ask everyone where they would like to go to dinner one night. Each will likely have their own favorite place. Then ask whose opinion is most important as to where they should go. See if they pick their own. Then go to where Mom or Dad picked and have a talk over dinner about gratefulness versus selfishness.
 
Anytime our kids are more concerned with pleasing themselves than pleasing others, they are self-focused and they need you to work with them so they can be God-focused. It’s really difficult to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength when we are self-focused because in reality, we love ourselves more than we love God.
 
How do you teach gratefulness to your kids?
1.   Require them to say “Thank you” for little things. Saying these words should be a regular part of their day.
2.   Have them make a list of what they are grateful for. Mom or Dad can work with the ones who are too young to write. Give them their lists after dinner each day for a week and have them add 3 things to their lists that weren’t already on it.
3.   Have them write on the bottom of their list one way they are going to show their gratefulness to their family that day. Have everyone read their lists after dinner on Saturday/Sunday night.
 
When your kids aren’t showing thankful hearts, do this again. When you are focused on the things you are thankful for, it is hard to have an ungrateful attitude.
 
 
“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”
I Thessalonians 5:16-18

November 11, 2022

What do you do when you are trying to teach your kids they need to be patient and kind with a willingness to help others, starting with their siblings and they aren’t paying attention? They are not teachable and they just don't care about what you think they need to learn. Get encouraged with fresh ideas on how to work with your child to open his/her heart and mind to your instruction so he/she will discover for himself the freedom that comes with obedience.

November 4, 2022

The drawbacks and dangers of phones for teens can feel intimidating. Author David Eaton offers tips to turn teen's phones from a liability to an asset. Even though this is talking about teens, specifically, this would be a great resource for parents of kids from all ages! We need to understand and prepare for each stage as our children grow and become the men and women God has intended them to be.

October 28, 2022

As much as we enjoyed Halloween, we were always glad when it was behind us.  Sure, we enjoyed many aspects of trick or treating like the time a 4 year old Elvis impersonator came to the door and said, “Thank you.  Thank you very much” in his deepest little voice.  But, with all the fun and excitement, there is also a certain kind of craziness that is driven by the childhood narcotic – Candy.  It’s as if EVERYTHING goes out the window on binge night!  However, for us as parents, there was one Halloween when we hit a significant milestone with our boys that always makes us reflect fondly on Halloween every year.

Halloween 2007, started off like every other Halloween.  Trevor was 10 and Alex 7.  Shelly made sure the ill-fitting costumes looked as nice as possible. Rich got all the flashlights rounded up and coordinated the evening with some other dads in the neighborhood.  Before heading out (like we did every year), we made sure that Trevor and Alex knew the rules:  Always say please and thank you, wait to be offered a treat, take only one treat, wish the people a Happy Halloween, etc…  Once everything was covered and all the kids and dads were gathered, we set out on our TRICK OR TREAT odyssey.

What happened next this particular year, caught Rich completely off-guard.  As our group of 8 boys got to the first house, the dads dutifully waited in the street while all the boys ran across the neighbors’ yards with no regard for stepping on shrubs, plants, and carefully placed lawn decorations, except for our boys.  Trevor and Alex without any prompting from us, took the extra time to walk along the sidewalk, then up the driveway, and stayed on the path to the front door.  Wow! That was completely unexpected!  Secretly, Rich wondered if this was just a one-time “trick.”  But, the same thing happened again at every house afterward. Even more remarkable was the fact that, eventually, all the other boys started mimicking what Trevor and Alex were doing!  No more running across yards inadvertently destroying decorations and landscaping.  A couple of the other dads eventually took notice of this and said, “Our kids would never do that on their own; they don’t even listen.”

Once we got home and dumped all the evening’s loot on the kitchen table, Rich mentioned to Shelly how the boys, on their own initiative, walked around on all the sidewalks to every front door they visited.  When we asked them why they did that, they told us that they didn’t want to accidently damage somebody’s plants or decorations, so they walked around.  When we dug a little deeper into their motivations and they told us that our neighbors probably spent money and effort to make their yards look nice.  We were so encouraged as parents that everything we had been pursuing in our parenting was actually reaching their hearts and they were showing respect and honoring others on their own initiative.
The idea of recognizing the Preciousness of Others was a principle we learned from the Parenting from the Tree of Life class. This idea is a mindset and value that we should cherish.  It acknowledges that everyone is precious to God and, therefore, we should respect and love others.  For our family, this idea is expressed in a scripture we adopted as our family verse – Matthew 22:37-39, as it went hand-in-hand with the Golden Rule we taught our boys when they were very young – Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Teaching this idea to children is challenging without showing them what it actually looks like.  Prior to our memorable Halloween experience, here were a few examples of the kinds of things we did to show our boys the principle of recognizing the Preciousness of Others:

• We looked for parking spots away from the front of stores and restaurants to allow others, Mom’s with babies, elderly, people with ailments, etc., to have closer access to the entrance.
• We allowed others to “cut” in front of us whether we were waiting in a line or letting someone merge ahead of us in traffic.
• We always made sure that we cleaned up after ourselves and pushed our chairs in at friends’ homes and in public places like restaurants or a park.

Doing these simple kinds of things, explaining why we did them, and teaching our kids ways they could honor others, allowed us to demonstrate the Preciousness of Others principle to them.  And eventually they demonstrated this principle to us, on their own, that Halloween.  Please know that we had plenty of challenges with our boys.  But getting them to internalize and express the Preciousness of Others idea was a huge milestone for us.  It got them thinking about how their actions affected other people and they began taking responsibility for their behavior more consistently.  And that was something, as parents, we could build upon.
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich

October 21, 2022

Counselor, Keith McCurdy, is back on this episode. He joined me onstage at this summer’s SCL conference, and we decided we should share that interview, where we discuss the truth of the mental health crisis, with all of you on the podcast. Keith’s wisdom on how to interpret what we are hearing, in terms of the statistics and reports that so often fill our news feeds, is invaluable. He puts it all in perspective, along with some sage advice. We also discuss ways we as parents and educators can be sure we are healthy and connected in meaningful community and relationships as an antidote to rising rates of isolation and ever-present screens and technology. How can we be agents of restoration and healing in our homes and schools while the culture continues to polarize and divide? There is good news! We covered a lot of ground. You don’t want to miss this episode of BCL.

October 14, 2022

We would tell our kids when they weren’t getting along that your family are the only people that will be with you from the beginning to the end of your life. Carla and I are feeling that. We are of the age where the generation above us - our parents, aunts and uncles are getting fewer and fewer every year. Whether you actively sought it out or not, they were a layer of protection above you, full of love and devotion, supporting you in whatever way they could whenever they could. Their presence is greatly missed.
 
We lived hundreds if not thousands of miles from most of both our families, so we made sure our kids knew their grandparents. My (Joey’s) mom has been gone for 3 decades, but if you mentioned Joey's dad's name to each of our kids you would definitely get a smile on their faces. Carla’s mom’s commitment to being a long-distance yet close in spirit part of our kids’ lives was a big deal to our family. Our daughter Amy passed that love and commitment she learned from my dad and Carla’s mom to Carla’s dad who came back to the relationship he had with God after our car accident. We live in IA and he lived in Northern CA so she rarely saw him growing up, yet Amy set up a digital “date night” with him every Thursday night for a few years before his death.

When he was put in hospice, we could not go see him because Carla was hospitalized at Mayo Clinic and couldn’t be released. Amy went, and was told that he had not been responsive so she shouldn’t expect much. We were joyful when we were told he lit up when he heard her voice and grabbed her hand. A blessed reward for her. Our son went to CA and joined Amy for his service not long after, standing in our stead. When my dad unexpectedly left this earth, all our kids went to CA for his services and when Carla’s mom unexpectedly left us 5 weeks later, our son and his wife cut a trip to Europe short to come back to the US for her service.
 
So, I ask you, what did you learn about our family from reading the above? Do you think the things you came up with make our family unique?

“Family” is a group of people who have special meaning in our lives. They are the backbone of support, our personal cheerleaders, teachers, counselors, and anything else we might need at any given time. Do you know the divorce rate in the church now almost equals the rate for non-believers? Just think how many children are growing up in two homes and perhaps more if their parents re-marry. As they wander from home to home, what identifies them as a family? Something needs to. Being part of a family connects you to others, in what should be an unshakable bond.
 
Pastor Greg Laurie says it this way:
“The fact is, God starts with the family because He created it. Our very existence as a society is contingent on the success of the family. And that also explains why Satan hates it so and has declared war on it. It has been said, ‘A family can survive without a nation, but a nation cannot survive without the family.’ ”
 
Why does your family need to be unique? By that we don’t mean in a quirky or unusual way, we mean what about it makes it special to those who are a part of it? What identifies your family to you and your kids and to others? “Identity” means being the same, being united towards a goal.
 
How do you build unity into your family? One way is to build spiritual unity by praying together as a family and serving God together. Here are a couple ways you can do this.
 
1.     Have a ‘key verse’ your family uses to base its actions on. This can change over the years as the needs and age of your children/family change. In our home the key verse was Mark 12:29-31.

“The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength…You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.”

2.     Have family devotions. Parents all too often see family devotions as one more thing to fit into an already busy schedule. We carry family devotion books for children of all ages in the Parenting Made Practical bookstore. You will find you can read the Bible passage and devotional thought plus ask the questions at the end of the devotional and be done in 10 – 15 minutes. If you have never had family devotions before, start with one day a week and read the devotional right after dinner while everyone is still sitting at the table. Make doing it that day non-negotiable.
 
3.     Another way to build unity into your family is through emotional support, which a family needs for its members to be intertwined with each other. Emotional support includes being there for each other and lifting each other up.
 
4.     Be encouragers (I Thessalonians 5:11) To encourage is to “give courage to.” We love that. When someone in the family is faltering or nervous about trying something, there is nothing like your family standing behind you giving you the courage to take the first step and offering to come alongside you when you falter.
 
5.     Be positive. Being positive starts with our tongues. Sarcasm, harsh tones, and the like spread like wildfire in a family and soon everyone is focused on the negative instead of the positive. When he was in elementary school, our son would come home from school full of negative stories. I (Carla) told him he had to tell me 3 good things for every bad thing he reported on. This helped him think of the positive about his day and he would actually look for good things to share.
 
6.     Take family vacations. Vacations shouldn’t be about the destination but rather about having fun together. Make memories that can last forever.
 
Start the trend in your home. At the dinner table tonight, start a discussion with “We’re going around the table and everyone gets to share one good thing that happened in your day today!”
After being in youth and family ministry for over three decades, we can tell you when a teen is strong in his personal convictions and moral value system, when he knows he can count on his parents for support and encouragement, when home is a place of stability and security, when he knows he can count on his family for fun – he is less likely to look for any of this anyplace else. This will keep him strong in his faith, and make him less vulnerable to temptations that other teens face.
 
What about your family? What would your children say is special about being a part of your family?

“He and all his family were devout and God-fearing;
he gave generously to those in need and prayed to God regularly.”
Acts 10:2

May 20, 2022

Kids can grow distant and independent from their family aligning more with friends and technology than Mom & Dad or siblings. Learn how to change this trend and to strengthen your family identity.

As summer approaches, take the time to implement a few of these tips. They are invaluable in creating the relationships with your kids that you dream of.

April 22, 2022

Have you ever been asked a question about the very thing you just communicated and you can tell your message is not getting through?  We’ve all been there and it can be frustrating.  Active listening may be a “blind spot” for those we are speaking with and for us as the listener as well.  If you’re honest, when was the last time you intentionally listened in order to comprehend meaning, to show love and honor to the person/people you’re with?

Learn how to be an active listener and teach your children the importance of this skill.

April 15, 2022

Many times parents think their kids are convicted about an issue such as being responsible when they really only have a belief (or opinion) about it. “Belief“ is defined as “an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists; they can trust someone or something.” “Conviction“ is defined as “a firmly held belief or opinion.”
How “firmly held” do you think your kids hold to the key values and core beliefs you have taught them? Have they taken ownership of these beliefs or are they opinions that are changeable?  

Enjoy this blog as we learn together to shepherd the hearts of our children to love the Lord.

March 25, 2022

We live in a therapeutic age where feelings and emotions dominate reason and confidence in truth.  Almost anywhere you turn these days, researchers are telling us how folks are more anxious and consumed in fear than at any other point in recent history. Fears inhibit our students’ ability to learn and impact their physical, social, and spiritual health. And parents and teachers, well all of us, are vulnerable to fear and anxiety these days. But there is good news! On this episode, we welcome back Ben Bost to share practical wisdom on overcoming fear in both our personal lives and school communities.

March 18, 2022

Working together as husband and wife to get on the same parenting page is essential to train your kids in the way they should go. In this podcast Joey and Carla talk about how they got on the same page in their parenting and why staying on the same page is the best way to be effective parents.

March 11, 2022

March 4, 2022

A letter of encouragement from OneFamily.

Throughout our parenting journey, one parenting tool that we have utilized the most is planting seeds.  While the generic concept of planting seeds is not new, our friends Dave and Lis provided us with a perspective that took the concept to a new level in our parenting with a 2 step approach:

• Planting seeds – Initiate a significant idea or topic with a question
• Cultivation – Ongoing conversation follow up

This tool has been particularly helpful for us in a wide variety of areas from Character Development to The Drugs Talk to The Sex Talk and more.

Reaching the fullness of our potential is something that we desire for ourselves and our boys.  However, telling Trevor and Alex when they are in elementary school, for example, to always do your best is fine, but it lacks a substance that they can internalize and harness for future life application.  What does doing your best look like to someone in elementary school?  This is where planting seeds can be helpful.  For us, we would ask each of our boys a series of questions to get them thinking and internalizing what doing your best means and what it looks like to them.  We asked questions like:


Of course, with most things in parenting, saying something just once usually never does the trick.  That’s why you need to make it any ongoing conversation.  You begin by throwing out a few questions to introduce an idea or topic and then follow up periodically with the same or similar questions as the ongoing conversation.  This will also give you a gauge on where their thinking and internalization is at in their own minds.  Sometimes our boys would completely miss the boat about an idea we were trying to convey but other times they would surprise us with more insight than we expected.  That’s why it’s so important to follow up your seed planting with cultivating ongoing conversations.  Sometimes you’ll need to replant some seeds and sometimes you begin to see the growth emerge!

Another added benefit of the seed planting/cultivation concept is that it prevents lecturing to your children.  Lecturing to your children seldom, if ever, works in parenting.  In fact, for Trevor and Alex, Rich’s lectures were more painful than any corrective consequence or punishment we could provide!  When your children are in school all day long, coming home to more lectures has little effect.  Yet, as parents, we fall into lecture mode because we can get it all out at once and are presumably finished with that idea or topic.  This is particularly the go-to approach when it comes to uncomfortable topics like Sex, Drugs or even Faith in some circumstances.  We know we need to talk about these things, so “having the talk (lecture)” is the perceived easy way to mark that off of the parental to do list. However, Planting Seeds and having the ongoing conversation about uncomfortable topics actually “takes the pressure off” by allowing you to present these topics in much smaller bite size pieces.  Here are some sample questions (seeds) we used on these uncomfortable topics at various ages of our kids:SexFaith
We started planting these seeds/questions when our boys were in elementary school and continued the discussion of these topics even as they became young adults.  These uncomfortable topics need to progress appropriately to the age of your child.  Talking to your kindergartner about body parts and private parts is appropriate, but not about puberty.  And as your children get older, often times the seeds/questions evolve into more in-depth conversations, which is terrific because then they drive the ongoing discussion.  Planting seeds/questions early and continuing the discussion (over the years) removes most of the uncomfortableness and any taboos associated with these kinds of topics.

The goal of planting seeds and cultivation is to have a fruitful harvest.  A lifelong harvest where your children take ownership of topics and ideas with the confidence that they fully understand and have discerned the ideas and topics that are significant to their personal growth and development.  We love this tool because it also allowed us to incorporate and dovetail many of the other principles and tips we have already mentioned in our previous letters – Parenting during a time of non-conflict, explaining the “moral reason why”, role playing and build a trusting relationship.  It’s just one more tool that helps us to become the parents we want to be for our children.  We hope you consider adding this valuable tool to your parenting approach.  Maybe we just planted a seed with you!

Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich
_________________________________
Join us for these upcoming classes and events:
Toddlerhood Transitions Parenting Class – For parents of toddlers (18mos to 4 yrs), this class provides practical and relevant concepts that parents can apply right away! Five Thursdays starting March 10th @ 7:30pm MT (6:30pm PT, 8:30pm CT & 9:30pm ET) https://onefamilyhwl.org/event/toddlerhood-730pm/
Growing Families Regional Parenting Conference Ohio – Join us in Ohio, March 25 & 26, for a two day parenting conference – “Moving From Fear to Confidence: Parenting in Today’s Culture” https://onefamilyhwl.org/event/regional-parenting-conference-ohio/
 

February 25, 2022

Is Your Child A Thinker Or A Feeler? 
“How does your child hear you, from their feelings or through their mind? It makes a HUGE difference on how they respond to you, your training, their siblings and peers.”

This is the last part of the the personality profile talks. Enjoy this episode!

February 18, 2022

The World and Everything in it
 In a time when our world seems to be divided and struggling to find truth, finding a sound Biblical source of news is challenging. I would like to recommend a daily news podcast that has been a great encouragement to our household.

The World and Everything in it is a 30 minute, Monday-Friday daily podcast with news from around the world, perspectives on court proceedings, commentary on culture and many more aspects that we, as involved citizens, need to know. We are not alone in our beliefs and convictions. Enjoy today’s episode.

February 11, 2022

Smoothing Out a Child's Moods and Emotions
A sensitive, task-oriented child with the Melancholy temperament can drive their parent’s nuts when their emotions are out of control. Learn positive ways to work with them in this podcast.

Enjoy this presentation on the fourth personality type of the series on temperaments and how to parent each effectively. Melancholy children are creative, loyal, talented, and deep thinkers. But they can have emotions all over the place, waking each day with a different state of highs and lows. This podcast will give you tips on how to manage and raise up this child to love the Lord with all theirs hearts.

This parenting blog is a ministry of Parenting Made Practical.
Contact Information: [email protected]; 319-754-5749
Visit our Website

February 4, 2022

Helping your Child Pay Attention 
It’s easy to get frustrated when kids are forgetful and do not follow through with what they said they would do. How does a parent train these kids?

Enjoy the continuation of the series on temperaments and how to parent each effectively. Sanguine children are fun, outgoing, and creative. But they can also be forgetful, not able to complete a task, and a bit messy. This podcast will give you tips on how to manage and raise up this child to love the Lord with all theirs hearts.

This parenting blog is a ministry of Parenting Made Practical.
Contact Information: [email protected]; 319-754-5749
Visit our Website

January 28, 2022

A letter of encouragement from OneFamily.

When we took our first parenting class, our kids were nearly 5 and 2 years old.  Since then, we never stopped revisiting and reinvesting in the practical parenting principles we learned. Initially we were completely overwhelmed with all the things we wanted/needed to implement with our boys.  We learned over the years that focusing on one or two concepts at a time was manageable and helped us to make the progress we desired with much less discouragement.

As you contemplate your parenting strategy for 2022, here is a simple monthly guide to help you to implement many of the concepts we address in our classes and Tuesday Letters.  Every family is different with different pressing needs, so move or change the monthly concept as needed.

Begin by evaluating those specific issues you are working on with each child. Next, add that to the context of the monthly guide.  For example, if we are “working on self control”, then for January we would work on our schedule/routine to help our child (and us!) gain improved self control.

• January – Get back to your family routine after the holidays and evaluate what is working and what isn’t. Maybe retake a class or make plans to attend a workshop/conference.

https://onefamilyhwl.org/events/
Make sure to schedule those important tasks that help you to stay connected – Couchtime, Date Nights, Family Fun Nights and time for rest!
 

• February – Make Love Languages a priority. Retake the love language test as a couple and as a family (we did this every year). This could be a family fun night with each of you sharing how you appreciate having your love language expressed. We had a love list on our refrigerator as a reminder.  Your kids will learn and come to appreciate that love is something we give intentionally to affirm each other and not take for granted.

 

• March – Revisit your Core Family Values. As the kids grow you can get their input about values they would like to add to your list.  We typically had 5-6 core values that were foundational, for us, as the Howards.  We added a family Scripture verse too (Mark 12:30-32).   Some families even create a family mission statement.  All these things are Family Identity builders that draw the family together in a meaningful way.

 

• April – Re-evaluate how family members are speaking to one another and talk about the importance of Speaking Life inside and outside your home. Speaking Life is critical to building your child’s self-concept, keeping your home harmonious and life-giving, and to providing your children with the best environment to learn and grow up in.  We found this to be very impactful as our kids became increasingly aware of the contrast of our family identity and worldly culture.

 

• May – Talk about temperaments and how each person is wonderfully made. Temperaments are inborn traits.  Understanding temperaments helps parents have more understanding for one another and each child. For kids, to be loved for how they were made fulfills one of their deepest human needs. Look for our upcoming class – Grown Up Guide to Kid’s Wiring

 

• June – Father’s Mandate Tune Up: Dads have 8 practical ways they can build and reinforce a trusting relationship with their kids. Rich would put all 8 things on his calendar throughout the year as reminders.

 

• July – Talk about siblings as BFF’s. Summer is a great time to look at how the kids are doing in treating their siblings respectfully, with kindness, empathy, and friendship, as they would their best friends.  When our kids little we taught the Golden Rule, and then as they grew we talked about how God made them siblings and they honor Him in how they show love and respect to one another.  We talked about ourselves as siblings to our sisters too.  There will always be some quarrels and conflict with children, but purposefully strengthening the bonds between them now will carry them into adulthood.

 

• August – A new school year and a great time to revisit First Time Obedience and Self Control. Both concepts are significant to the happiness and success of children throughout their life.

 

• September – Reconsider healthy boundaries with technology in your home.  What makes sense for the age, temperament, and moral maturity of each child. Parents should also look at their own screen use and model self-control.  It’s important to have times that you all are free from your technology each day – when eating, when it’s time to sleep, during family time, etc… Pay attention to how screen time is impacting moods, sleep, behavior, school/work performance and relationships.

 

• October – Work on teaching respect for people and property. Most courtesies are not intuitive, so we need to work on them with our kids.  Role playing works great and can be a lot of fun!

 

• November – Practice table manners for all different types of dining situations. Table manners reflect personal character. Do your children know how to manage themselves at a buffet, in a fine dining situation at a restaurant or at someone’s home?  Would they wait to eat until mom or the hostess sits down and starts to eat and know why they should?

 

• December – Create opportunities for each child to be generous. Teach the virtue of giving and generosity by allowing your child to use their own money to buy a gift for a sibling, donate to church/special cause or even giving time, to serve as a family, by providing for a family in need. This is the season of giving and it’s a natural time grow your child’s empathetic and generous spirit.

We have found that by focusing each month on one or two things made our parenting strategy more effective and parenting goals much more achievable.  Then, at the end of the year, we could see what a difference it had made for every member of the family!  We hope you make it a great 2022 – month by month and one parenting principle at time!
 
Blessings to your family and a wonderful 2022!
Shelly & Rich Howard
_______________________
Upcoming 2022 Classes & Coaching/Mentoring
Looking to recharge your marriage or build up that parenting toolbox in 2022? Registration is now open for new classes and services to help you begin the New Year with Purpose, Passion and Action!
https://onefamilyhwl.org/events/

January 21, 2022

Looking for a way out of the frazzle and rush of life? Whether you are an administrator, teacher, or parent, the practical wisdom from my guest today is just for you. Justin Whitmel Earley endured his own season of crisis and discovered the power of habits in a transformational way that fundamentally changed his family life by finding meaning and order in what can feel like the daily chaos of raising children. These same principles of habit are at work in every classical Christian school as we intentionally work to form what our children love with similarly impressive results. Listen Here!

EPISODE LINKS

• About Justin Whitmel Earley
• Habits of the Household Book
• The Common Rule Book
• Winter Symposium with Justin

January 14, 2022

A letter of encouragement from OneFamily.

There is a door that when open allows mom and dad into the inner sanctum of a child’s heart. It’s a place of intimacy and love, trust and acceptance, a place of goodwill and harmony. But when that door is closed, there can be confusion and anger, accusation, and resentment, and often a place of mistrust and discord. A child’s heart is a delicate thing that evolves with the seasons of life. What starts as an open door sometimes closes to parental access for reasons that are not clear. And so, teaching the Virtue of Harmony can strengthen the relationship between parents and child during the transition years.

A father came to us recently straining to understand the change that had recently overtaken his beautiful young daughter. She had transitioned from a loving, open hearted little girl into a slightly frustrated teenager whose communication style had added unwelcome snarky responses, a hint of sullen disposition, and a strong desire to connect with friends at the expense of family time. Communication with her no longer went in unguarded, but often hit a closed door of teenage judgment. It felt like the parents were talking AT her and gone were the days of unfiltered harmony when their daughter’s door was always open. In other words, their daughter was becoming a teenager.
But does that mean their only option is to wait till this phase passes in 10 or more years and maturity finally results in appreciation of her parents’ loving relationship? Just because it’s so common doesn’t mean it’s inevitable. Teenage angst, rebellion, and spiritual/emotional independence aren’t certainties.
Harmony in family is like harmony in music – it is the pleasing arrangement of parts that create balance and calm. A young person must learn to harmonize with people in order to find life, love, and meaning. The best place to practice this virtue is in the family.
“If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth.”  Mitsugi Saotome AIKIDO INSTRUCTOR, AUTHOR.

• A teenager hasn’t been tucked into bed in years. Rejuvenate this practice. Often the parents go to bed earlier than the teenager, but 1 night a week, make it a regular event. A time of non-conflict to bond and reestablish that “no one on this planet loves you more than we do, not your friends, no one.”
• Dads would be particularly effective with daughters and moms with sons. During this time a good technique is to ‘futurecast’ – “I can hear you as a 25-year-old young woman calling back to me saying ‘Dad, tell her to stay connected to the family. Tell her that her friends are just as fearful of the future as she is. Tell her that this time she’s going through will end and her hormones will stabilize, peer pressure will diminish, school will be fun again, and mom and dad will be with her always.’” This message and this time will be remembered always.
• When discussing freedoms, here is an effective thought: “Everything you are asking for I want to give you. I am on your side. Things you don’t even know about and haven’t even asked for, I want for you. But it’s just about timing. I’m not denying you. I just want to make sure that the things you want today are right for today. You’ll get there.”
• Memorize this verse and explain to your child that they should too. It can become a common reference point in future discussions. This passage, and the many discussions around it, is a key to a locked heart. 

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if there is any virtue, if there’s anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things.”  Philippians 4:8

• Couch Time maybe was put in the closet years ago. Dust it off. Life has become more complicated and it’s probably not just your teenager. Creating calm in the storm as a unified team will ultimately pay you beyond what you can imagine. If you add prayer, then expect even more.

Ultimately the point in the Virtue of Harmony is that each voice is heard and appreciated. Childhood was a simple time. Hormones have entered the picture. The brain is developing awareness and sensitivities among peers. Pecking orders are being established. Freedoms and boundaries are newly being negotiated. The outside world and all its complications are rushing into the home. Be the calm. Demonstrate calm. Teach calm. By investing in your child’s heart with the virtue of harmony, you are highlighting a maturing tool for your child to prioritize inside-the-home values over outside-the-home attractions and uncertainties.
 
May peace and harmony fill your family life,
Lis and Dave Marr
_______________________
Upcoming 2022 Classes & Coaching/Mentoring

Looking to recharge your marriage or build up that parenting toolbox in 2022? Registration is now open for new classes and services to help you begin the New Year with Purpose, Passion and Action!

https://onefamilyhwl.org/events/

January 7, 2022

December 17, 2021

Is Your Child Lazy? 
Kids with the Phlegmatic temperament are typically lazy and unmotivated. Worst of all, their stubbornness gets them to dig their heels in to not obey and become unmovable. What can parents do? Listen to this Parenting Made Practical podcast, to find out!

This parenting blog is a ministry of Parenting Made Practical.
Contact Information: [email protected]; 319-754-5749
Visit our Website

December 10, 2021

Is Your Child Bossing You Around?
How can parents deal with Choleric kids who have bossy and angry tendencies? What can parents do to train them to manage these weaknesses? Listen to this Parenting Made Practical podcast, to find out!

This parenting blog is a ministry of Parenting Made Practical.
Contact Information: [email protected]; 319-754-5749
Visit our Website

December 3, 2021

Why Do Kids Keep Doing the Same Wrong Behavior?
Kids often do the same wrong behavior over and over because of their Temperament. Learn what temperaments are and how they influence and impact your kids and parenting in this Parenting Made Practical podcast. Over the next several weeks we will be sharing talks explaining each temperament and their strengths and weaknesses.

This parenting blog is a ministry of Parenting Made Practical.
Contact Information: [email protected]; 319-754-5749
Visit our Website

November 24, 2021

Is your family characterized by having an attitude of gratitude?  When creating family identity do you cultivate and teach gratitude?  Among the many reasons we love the Holiday Season, Thanksgiving to Christmas, is that it provided us a wonderful opportunity to build our family identity through family traditions that encouraged Trevor and Alex’s hearts towards internalizing the virtue of gratitude.

Family Identity Through Family Traditions

Family identity is an anchor for you and your children.  It’s what makes us THE HOWARDS.  It reminds us that we have a special Family Community where some of our best memories and treasures of the heart are created.  Growing up, we can remember many wonderful family traditions that our parents created and we still hold them dear.  While it is a treasure of the heart to incorporate those past family traditions from your parents and grandparents, you need to create your own family traditions that cultivate your unique family identity.

With Thanksgiving and Christmas fast approaching, now is a perfect opportunity for you and your spouse to intentionally build upon your own family traditions and family identity.  To get your creative juices flowing, here are some of our family traditions that might help you get started:

Thanksgiving Traditions

• Serve at church, as a family, compiling and distributing Thanksgiving meals.
• Friday after Thanksgiving football game at the high school football field.
• Movie Marathon (back-to-back movies) at the movie theater.
• Writing Santa a letter with a wish list (This gave us time to take advantage of Black Friday deals!).

Christmas Traditions

• Setting up the Christmas Train under the Christmas tree
• Advent calendar with surprises each day – Sometimes a candy, a verse, a mini Lego, treasure hunt to find where we would go to a special dinner or special activity, etc…
• Christmas Card assembly line – stuffing, licking, and placing the stamp!
• Making and delivering Christmas cookies to our neighbors.
• Make Jesus a Birthday Cake – it’s His birthday right?!?!

Family Identity with Gratitude

With some of our family traditions listed above, you can see how some of them (i.e. Serving at the church) might inherently incorporate the idea of being grateful for our blessings.  Yet we intentionally took it a step further to create other family traditions that cultivated family identity with gratitude.

Favorite family traditions list – Sometime over the long Thanksgiving break, during a dinner, we would go around the table and each of us would say what our favorite family tradition is (Holiday season or not).  Then our family secretary (Shelly) would write down our responses for that year.  We would then look back at all the previous years and try to guess what each of us said.  This created many hysterical moments when remembering when our 3 and 5 year old mentioned opening toys as their favorite Howard Family Tradition!  Family identity can be reinforced by actually naming the traditions you do.

Thankful list – During a separate dinnertime, we use the same process above, but make several  “rounds” naming what we are thankful for.  Having a family discussion that recognizes specific blessings from the heart, reinforces family identity and develops gratitude in a very tangible way.

Year in review/Christmas letter – While thoughts of thankfulness and traditions are fresh in our minds, we then, at another dinnertime, begin to list (again using the same above process) all the wonderful and fun things we’ve done during the past year and how we were blessed.  Then after dinner, we would have the boys write our Family Christmas Letter.  Trevor and Alex would each have one side to tell our family and friends what we did over the past year and how we were blessed by it.  There might be a couple of edits and suggestions from Mom and Dad, but it would be genuinely from them and their hearts.  For the younger children, you can have them draw their letter, with mom and dad’s captions below each drawing.

Conversational prayer – With the joy and excitement of Thanksgiving and Christmas, we began to encourage Trevor and Alex to expand their mealtime prayers from “God is great, God is good, and we thank Him for our food” and “Tick tock, Tick tock,..” to“ Thank you Lord for… and bless… “  In addition to engaging them in this form of worship, it allowed them to verbalize what was in their heart in terms of gratitude and reinforcing our family identity.

Name it, list it, write it, and say it!  This formula may seem obvious for internalizing ideas and concepts, but it serves a meaningful purpose.  Family traditions create lifelong treasures of the heart that define you as a family.  Cultivating the attitude of gratitude sweetens the appreciation for those traditions while creating a heart and mindset towards genuine thankfulness.  And that is a great reminder for mom and dad as well!

Please don’t try and create all your family identity, traditions and gratitude in one season.  Rather, use this time leading up to Thanksgiving, with your spouse (CouchTime?!), to thoughtfully consider adding one or two new family traditions this year that would focus on developing a heart of gratitude. Creating family traditions and cultivating family identity with gratitude, is a process that builds upon itself year after year.

Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.
-Matthew 6:6

Thanksgiving Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich
 
Looking to establish a new mealtime tradition?  Check out OneFamily Conversation Cards!
https://onefamilyhwl.org/onefamily/meaningful-family-conversations/

Also a great gift idea for Advent or Christmas!  ¡También disponible en Español!
https://onefamilyhwl.org/store/

November 19, 2021

Everyone has been or will be wronged. They will be slightly offended or grievously injured with every degree and variation in between, from strangers and worst from intimates. It is part of the human state. It’s set up that way where imperfect people with imperfect information with limited time, limited resources, and limited maturity act out, make choices, and cause harm. Some do it deliberately, most inadvertently. Humans bump and bruise their way into adulthood where, one hopes, maturity takes over and unintentional harm decreases. Without the ability to Forgive, mankind would be solitary wanderers unable to form alliances with trusted partners in a common cause.

There is a kind of vibe you get from people who don’t write misdeeds on their heart. They don’t store up wrongs. Their spirit is full of mercy and grace, and so you can imagine, their life reflects back to them that blessing. Conversely, the feeling you get when someone is offended when none is intended, and they harbor ill will, often silently. The relationship is strained or broken and the reasons are unspoken. Those who don’t forgive can live a tormented lonely life.

Forgiveness is not a gift you give someone, it’s a gift you give yourself. The Bible speaks of Forgiveness 81 times.

In Matthew 18:21:
Mahatma Gandhi said,
Teaching your children about Forgiveness isn’t hard. You’ll have ample opportunities in each stage of life. As a parent, when your child has been wronged by a sibling, it’s pretty easy to see both sides and create the proper exchange between the two:
Sound fake? Like no two brothers would ever do this? They would if you walked them through it and it became the family norm when conflict erupts. Sometimes it takes a little time for emotions to calm down, but the spirit of reconciliation and the desire to get back to being best friends will win out.

But when someone outside the family causes offense, it’s easy to call in the militia and circle protection around your child. Don’t rob your child of the blessing that comes with conflict, tears, discussion, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Maybe it doesn’t work out perfectly, but your child needs that experience. And maybe you might as well.

Both Jesus’ and Gandhi’s quotes equate forgiveness with strength. It takes tiny steps to learn to clean the heart of the negativity of retribution. Self-worth is often at stake. But affirming the child, brainstorming the offender’s perspective, and working on letting go of the hurt is the path to strength.

To your child’s positive buoyant heart unburdened by life’s occasional conflicts,

Lis and Dave Marr

November 11, 2021

Classical Christian Education is a new experience for many people, and whether you are new or have been around a classical school for years, there are many questions about why we do what we do. And since few parents or teachers today grew up in CCE schools, combined with the fact that there are more families than ever joining our schools, you are likely not alone if you have a question. My guest, Dr. Tim Dernlan, is back to share answers to 10 questions from the 100 he has identified and written about in his new book, "A Guide to Understanding Classical Christian Education: 100 Common Questions." 

November 5, 2021

The Fruits of the Spirit are: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control.

Think about what those look like in a person you admire. Can you recall people you appreciate because of their wisdom, sense of self, their calm spirit, and that their goodness radiates their character? As a result, isn’t their life the kind of life you see yourself living in some ways? In other words, the quality of their character is evident in the quality of their life.

Over the next couple of decades, you’ll have the opportunity to take little snippets of your child’s life and help them understand how the lesson of a character-moment fits into their behavior. Take the heart issue of Thankfulness. It’s one of the first things you teach your child to say, “Thank you” and “You’re welcome”. The lesson comes before understanding. Just as Thankfulness is a virtue you teach from your library of “Things you just do”, there are scores of virtues that have the same impact on life that are worthy of similar parenting lessons.

What follows in this Letter and many Letters to come are Virtues, lessons for the heart, that can be caught in the moment and taught at night. We want to provide you with quick reference material to fill your child’s library with life’s virtues that will lead to success and happiness. Just as you have them memorize Thankfulness, you can just as easily have them memorize quotes, poems, verses, and sayings. For example, for the virtue of Perseverance, it’s hard to find a better quote than from Calvin Coolidge:


Or the Bible verse James 1:2-4:

 
Or this poem by Douglas Malloch:

The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease,
The stronger wind, the stronger trees,
The further sky, the greater length,
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.

Let dinner conversations and bedtime chats abound with these lessons. Perseverance is a core quality of adulthood. Skill development requires it. The challenges of life demand it. It’s commonplace to deflect blame but requires fortitude to expose your self-concept to the weight of being wrong. Just as a toddler is parented to mimic the words ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’, the growing child should be parented to mimic the concept of Perseverance. Then, as situations arise, parents can extract the essence of the virtue in the example and teach the heart issue of perseverance.

To the development of a virtuous child that others will look upon with admiration,

Lis and Dave Marr

October 29, 2021

October 1, 2021

This parenting blog is a ministry of Parenting Made Practical.
Contact Information: [email protected]; 319-754-5749
Visit our Website